Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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