I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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