My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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