I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
