gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Randomize
