that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm at about main and main street
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Panties = found
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