I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
