Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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