I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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