I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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