my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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