just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
