im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
