she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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