Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
