You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
My life is pants optional.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
