What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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