Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
