you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
