using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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