I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
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the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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