Why is your signature on my underwear?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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