he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
