He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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