Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
