was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
