She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
