i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
