Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
