I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize