Banned from zoo.
Again?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
