the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
