My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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