she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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