eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
