nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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