You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
