I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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