You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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