And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
