ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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