i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
