Need sex. Gaining weight.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Randomize
