Well apparently he's into motor boating.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
