After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
