I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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