I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
