Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
