At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
