I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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