Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
love makes seman taste better
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I pour the whiskey from now on
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
