I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
