My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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