if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
