Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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